Windfall Island: The Boat's Sail

Luckily, Link was saved by a mysterious talking boat that took him to Windfall Island, the busiest island on the Great Sea. There are many sidequests you can do here and even more people to meet, but first, let's take care of business.

-Link wakes up in a boat off the coast of Windfall Island. As it turns out, the boat can talk. My first thought was that Link was drugged and is now having delusions. Unfortunately, the boat CAN talk. It's called the King of Red Lions, and according to him, you'll need to locate a powerful item to defeat the head of the Forsaken Fortress, Ganondorf, and save Aryll. But first, you'll need to be the boat's errand boy and go find a sail.

-It's time to introduce yourself to the various inhabitants of Windfall, the most populated island on the Great Sea. In the field you come out on, you'll run into two little girls named Potova and Joanna. And boy, are they creepy! They're like those little, big-eyed girls in the horror flicks that get possessed and crap...In any case, talk to them multiple times. You can pay the little skanks two Rupees for them to tell you an interesting tidbit about the island.

-If you go into the building at the far side of the field, you'll stumble into the bomb shop, which is owned by Cannon. Unfortunately, Cannon holds a monopoly over the explosives market, and charges 1,000 Rupees for a single Bomb. You'll never be able to afford them, even with the biggest wallet you can get. After you contemplate shoving your sword up Cannon's bunghole, you can go ahead and leave the shop. Don't worry--justice will be served.

-Standing near the bomb shop is Dampa, a sailor, who, despite his gangbanger streetrat appearance, is actually pretty rich. Later, you can give him a certain item to play a mini-game for cash. In addition, he owns the three pigs on the island, which he is quite proud of, possibly because the pigs are much hawter than he is.

-By now, you've probably had a creepy, dirty old hobo man run up to you. This is probably the most annoying person in the game, due to the fact that he runs up Link like Michael Jackson on aphrodisiacs every time you pass by. You'll find that he is the father of Maggie, one of the girls that was trapped in the Forsaken Fortress with Aryll. He asks you to save Maggie, which you should agree to do, being the hero and all. Of course, he doesn't REALLY care about Maggie, just the income that Maggie brings in. Quite possibly the worst father ever. Probably molests her every night. In fact, maybe you should think about letting the Moblins take care of her instead.

-Close to the docks is Kane, a sailor who goes on and on about how he likes the Windfall Island gate. Obsessive, if you ask me. -Close to the docks is Kane, a sailor who goes on and on about how he likes the Windfall Island gate. Obsessive, if you ask me. While I'm on the subject, Candy the sailor is on the docks, and he doesn't want to give you his sail, so move on. Gummy the sailor is on top of a gate near the plaza, but he's not worth your time either.

-As you proceed into the town, you may run into Garrickson, a man with a horrible fashion sense and a strange obsession with the mail. You'll have to deal with him soon.

-Next to the potion shop is Minenco, a former Miss Windfall Island. She still thinks she's the prettiest chick on the island, though. I've got news for her: look in a mirror. You'll be lucky if it doesn't break, so get your head outta your ass.

-Now head into the door with the sign next to it. You'll be inside the Chu Jelly Juice shop, run by Doc Bandam. This shop sells potions, but right now, the only one available is the Red Potion, which restores all of your health. It costs 20 Rupees, but you need an Empty Bottle to hold it, so forget that. If you talk to Bandam, he'll tell you all about how you can make potions from Chu Jelly Juice, which can be gotten by defeating ChuChus. Keep this shop in mind. Roll into the wall to knock down some pots and get some Rupees, then head back out.

-Sitting on the steps in front of the potion shop is Kamo, an emo kid that cuts himself. Point and laugh, but otherwise, move on.

-As you proceed up the path, you'll run into Pompie and Vera, two gossiping women who love to spread all kinds of rumors and are generally considered by all other Windfall women to be whores. Not a bad description. However, they can sometimes clue you in to some sidequests on the island.

-There's an open-air shop near Pompie and Vera that is run by an Eskimo immigrant named Zunari. Zunari is this charismatic man who has a pretty good knack for business. Unfortunately, he doesn't have enough money to start selling things, so he wants to sell you his family heirloom for 80 Rupees. The catch is, he won't tell you what it is until you buy it.

-Fork over the cash. As it turns out, the heirloom is the Boat's Sail. If you wanted to, you could proceed with the adventure, but there are still some other things to do on the island, some of which you NEED to do to beat this game.

-Now head up the stairs near Zunari's stall to enter the local bar. This place is run by Gillian, a woman with a mysterious background. However, she is one of the few islanders who doesn't tie in to a sidequest, so she's really not worth your time.

-During the day, the only customer at the bar is Gossack, the biggest pussy the Great Sea's ever seen. Just make a loud noise, and he'll instantly curl into the fetal position. Just shake your head sadly that such cowards exist, then head back outside.

-You have probably ran into a weird-looking guy named Anton that talks about taking walks around Windfall all the time. He'll also tell you about a secret path behind the bomb shop, which you'll make use of soon.

-If you talked to Potova and Joanna, the creepy gossip girls in the field, you'll have learned that there are jars hidden in the clumps of grass around Windfall. One of these jars is in the bushes under the wooden ramp leading to the plaza, and it most likely contains a Blue Rupee.

-At the western cliff of the island, dancing in front of a tombstone, is Tott, the self-proclaimed 'charismatic' dancer. More like queer dancer. In fact, this game is the signature gay character that seems to be in every Zelda. Just check out that white leather...gross. And try not to look at his bulging crotch area. He talks about some sort of song. Unfortunately, you'll have to come back to him later.

-Directly behind Tott is a door that leads to the Windfall Island jail. Use it.

-A strange man in a green jumpsuit will beg you to free him. To do so, go through the pots in the corner to find a floor switch. Jump on to it to let him out of jail. You know, typically, letting convicts out of their cell is a BAD idea. So bad, in fact, that it makes you wonder what Nintendo was trying to teach kids that played this game. RAPISTS ARE NICE PEOPLE!

-Tingle will prance out of his cell to thank you. You even get to watch his manboobs jiggle! Woo-hoo! Actually, you will grow to hate him with a deep, deep, fiery passion. He's not essentric--he's just plain messed up.

-Tingle asks you to take him to the land of fairies so he can live with your kind in splendor. This makes me wonder if Tingle thinks every person wearing green is a fairy. He clearly has issues. He gives you the Tingle Tuner, a somewhat useful item. To use it, you'll need a Game Boy Advance and a connector cable that connects the GBA to the GameCube.

-Next, Tingle hands over Tingle's Chart. This horribly drawn chart can be viewed by pressing 'up' on the directional pad to bring up your Sea Chart, then press 'X' to switch to charts. This chart shows you the location of the island where Tingle lives, and also where you can find Great Fairies that will increase the size of Link's wallet.

-Finally, Tingle leaves just as you're about to run for your life. However, there's more to find in this jail than you think. Head to where Tingle was being held and push the wooden box out of the way, revealing a crawlspace. Crouch down and crawl in.

-This tunnel is sort of a maze that you must navigate. There are also a few Blue Rupees spread throughout the tunnel. To reach the end quickly, take the following turns: right, left, straight, right, left, left, right, right, right.

-Whatever you do, don't take a turn onto a wooden floor. This is a trapdoor, and a pesky Rat bastard will activate it when you crawl onto it. You'll be dumped back outside, near the King of Red Lions.

-When you reach the end of the maze, you'll come out in a small cavern full of skulls and rocks. There's also a treasure chest. But first, read the stone tablets to learn about Tingle's memoirs--as if you'd want to...

-When you open the chest, you'll get the Picto Box, an item which lets you take pictures. While something like that may seem like it has limited uses, it will actually come in handy. It only takes black-and-white photos though, so you'll have upgrade it before it becomes really useful. Now head back outside (using a trapdoor is easiest).

-The King of Red Lions will notice your Boat's Sail, and will request that you leave immediately. Don't worry, though--no matter how many days you waste, Ganondorf will politely wait for you to confront him before destroying the world or whatever dark scheme he's conjured up this time. In fact, there are several sidequests you should do before leaving.

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