Outset Island: Link's Birthday

The game opens on beautiful Outset Island. You are Link, and today, it is your birthday. It is customary on the island to garb boys who come of age in green, to honor the hero of legend who once saved the land from the darkest evil. However, unbeknownst to Link, he's about to become much more of a hero than anyone ever imagined.

-When the file screen comes up, start a new game. You can name the main character whatever you want, such as 'Nmypants' but I will refer to him as Link, his official name, you sick perverts.

-The game opens with Aryll, Link's younger sister, looking for her older brother. She will soon find him sleeping on the hard, wooden flooring of the watchtower. Uh...Link? Typically, people sleep in a bed, y'know...

-When Aryll gets done blabbing, go ahead and start climbing down the excruciatingly long ladder. Or you could jump. However, if you land on ground from that height, you will lose health. As an alternative, jump in the water and swim to shore, but keep in mind that Link's such a pussy that he can only tread water for a certain amount of time before he drowns.

-When you get across the docks, read the sign. Apparently, there's some kind of fairy forest ahead, but don't bother checking it out--a suspiciously placed row of trees blocks your way.

-There is tall grass in front of a vacant house on this side of the island. In it you'll meet Mesa, the laziest islander there ever was, hacking away at the grass. He asks you to cut the grass for him...on your birthday. What a heartless dick! Oh well, at least he says you can keep whatever you find, which really means that if you found a nickel while mowing someone's yard, you'd be allowed to keep it. Yeah, thanks. Better be glad I DON'T have a sword, dick..

-Head across the bridge linking the islands. Halfway across, you'll meet Joel, a small boy and part of a family of four living on the other island. For some reason, he seems fascinated with jumping on top of rocks. If you think this kid's retarded, wait until you meet his younger brother.

-Link jumps off ledges automatically--there is no 'jump' button. So run straight at the boulder jutting out of the water surface, and Link will automatically hop to the boulder. Take the Blue Rupee. Now, jump to the third boulder (if it helps, you can roll with the 'A' button off the ledge to extend the distance of the jump) and take the Yellow Rupee there. Hop back to the bridge. Joel will be hopping with joy. Ignore him and run to the other island.

-On the far side of the island, next to your house, is Joel's younger brother that I mentioned earlier, Zill. This kid is probably one of the creepiest little boys in the history of video games. Not only does he let an obnoxious string of snot hang from his nose, but he also likes to bump into you with creepy, strange sound effects. Avoid him at all costs!

-Next to Zill is Sue-Bell, one of the few attractive women in the game, if you want to call big-headed cartoon characters attractive, you perv. Talk to her, and she'll tell you that you can pick up rocks and jars by standing next to them and pressing 'A'. Keep that in mind.

-At the top of the hill is Rose, the rotund mother of Joel and Zill. Wait a minute, how did she get outside?! It'd take a crane to move her anywhere...In any case, talk to her to learn that she's looking for pets for her boys, because God forbid, you know, that SHE'D have to spend any time with them.

-At the end of the bridge leading to the island is Abe, father to Joel and Zill and husband to Rose. This poor guy must have been on crack to marry that 800-pound lady, but...Anyway, talk to him to learn that he's trying to catch a pig for a pet. Maybe you can help out?

-The pig is in the dirt patch just beyond the grass where Abe is crouched. If you try to approach it, it will run away. To get it, first, hold 'R' to crouch down. Then crawl towards the pig. When you're right next to it, stand up, and, without moving, press 'A' to pick up the pig.

-Carry the pig back up to Rose's, and throw it in the pen. As a reward, she'll give you a Red Rupee, which is worth 20 Rupees. In case your feeble mind didn't figure it out yet, Rupees are the game's currency.

-Believe it or not, there are two more pigs to catch. The first is on the other side of the island, by Mesa's house. Head over there, and use the same technique you did before to get the spotted pig. Make a careful path back to Rose's, because if you fall in the water, you'll have to wait for the pig to SLOWLY swim back to shore.

-When you bring the pig back to Rose, she'll give you another Red Rupee.

-The final pig is on the path leading up to Rose's, and you've passed it several times by now. Sneak up on it and grab it.

-When you bring the final pig to Rose, she'll give you one last Red Rupee. Wait a second...Do they really need three pigs? Knowing Rose, she'll probably turn her 'pets' into breakfast the first chance she gets.

-By now, you've probably been hollered at by the old man with the enormously large head on the balcony of one of the houses. To talk to him, get close enough, and hold the 'L' trigger. Link will lock onto the old man and look up at him. This will allow you to speak with him from a distance. 'L'-targeting is a very useful skill, and one that you should master immediately. The old man, Sturgeon, will beg you to come up into his room. Climb up the nearby ladder into his house, and hope that he isn't planning a Michael Jackson.

-Sturgeon will begin lecturing you endlessly. Just sit there and listen to words, praying to God that he'll fall asleep or something in mid-sentence. At one point, he'll tell you about his brother downstairs, who you'll be visiting soon.

-As Sturgeon suggests, you should check the papers pinned on the wall. They'll tell you about many of the game's basics. Who knows? You may actually learn something (God forbid).

-Now head back outside and enter the ground level of Sturgeon's house. Here, you'll meet Orca, one of the few sane people on the island. He's Sturgeon's brother, which you'll find out quickly. He's also skilled in the ways of martial arts and swordplay. He'll teach you the rolling attack. To perform it, pick up some speed and press 'A' to roll into the wall. He'll then offer to teach you how to use a sword. Take a rain check this time, because you'll be back soon.

-Now it's time to progress the story. Head to your house and climb up the ladder. Link's grandma is waiting for him. It being your birthday and all, she's going to make you wear some gay elf clothes. Yeah, thanks, granny...Some birthday this is turning out to be.

-She gives you the Hero's Clothes, which will make you look extremely queer. As you can see, Link's not too happy about this.

-Now Grandma will point out the shield hanging on the wall. Unfortunately, she refuses to give you anything that you might actually be able to, you know, use. Remember its location, though. She will now ask you to go fetch Aryll (your younger sister, remember?).

-Aryll is right where you left her, at the top of the watchtower, playing...with the...birds. Clearly, your sister has some mental issues, but don't throw that up to her just yet, as it looks like she's going to give you something.

-She forks over the Telescope, an item that will let you see things from far away. Unfortunately, she's only going to let you keep it for one day, the skank.

-Go ahead and try it out. Open the Item screen by pressing 'START', then move the cursor to the Telescope. Press 'Z', 'Y', or 'X' to set it to that button, then exit the screen. Press the button you set it to to pull it out. Then, use the 'C-Stick' to zoom in on the mailbox next to your house. There's some kind of freaky bird dude there, who quickly has a conniption.

-A nasty bird monster, the Helmaroc King, is forced to drop a girl into the woods at the top of a island. And, of course, because the rest of the men on the island are pansies, its up to you to go save her.

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